“This is how I see a relationship is. Imperfect and real. We are in all sorts of different imperfect relationships. The question is whether we choose to embrace them.”
The Imperfect Relationships, the Imperfect Love
In the rational sense, there is no true love in this world. I come across with a common expression of people agonized over their breaking relationships, “There seems to be a hole in my heart”. For me, there is always a hole in everyone’s heart, because our every relationship is bound to be imperfect, as no one is perfect, and so our love is never perfect.
Last time I was writing on reflection of one’s awareness and attending to/embracing the imperfect relationships (http://corimuscounseling.blogspot.hk/2015/06/the-imperfect-relationships.html). Upon realization of the imperfectness of relationships, we still fall for the same “perfectness” mirage trap, over and over again. This prompted me to ponder, “What still causes the continuous and repeated conflicts/irreconcilable differences?”
The Unstable Relationships, and the Consistent Craving for “True Love” which does not Exist
The truth is, despite our never constant and stable relationships, we seem to be bound by the innate mate instinct on finding the “True Love”. Like the fairy tale of The little mermaid. Having believed the human prince as her “The One”, even it was just a no less than an hour contact, and the zero interaction/conversation, the mermaid went through the long way of giving up her innate gifts of own beautiful tail and heavenly voice in order that she could be near the Prince, which only led to the brutal truth that the prince did not recognize her, and she faced the tragic fate of turning into foam.
In couple relationships, after series of fights and compromises, we come to accept the different yet equal way of love from our partners – just not the way we expect in the first place. Yet then time passes, and nothing has changed, and then with no reason at all we can again feel frustrated and insecure.
“Why can’t I want this from you?
I know we have been through this…yet just why can’t you love me enough to change (for me)?
Why can’t you love me (like I want)?”
We do understand imperfectness in relationships, yet our hearts still eagerly long for the illusion of the “The One”, as the beautiful, flawless, forever-happy love.
True Love does not mean Perfect Love
It comes to me that perhaps what we long for is not True Love itself, but the perfectness illusion of it. The Truth of “True” in love, is indeed realistically flawed, imperfect and unstable. Even the most passionate romantic relationship consists moment of boredom; even the most lovely family cannot avoid the growing children’s rebellious teenage-hood.
The thing is, what we logically understand about the non-existing perfect true love is one thing, and our actions upon such understanding is another thing. We are in fact not so different from the little mermaid who get preoccupied for the relationships which are never consistent and stable, only our cravenness may push us to becoming the undesirable changed selves, and we gain nothing.
Can love be the same as one has to lose own originality? Is love still defined as “perfect” when one has to fight, and even side with the wrong/flaws in order to be near it?
For me, perhaps the stubborn searching of perfectness only in return reinforces the worsening instability and fragility of the relationships, and costs something more in person.
Where does the cravenness come from?
In an inspirational book “The Road Less Traveled”, the author Scott Peck outlined many people’s expectation of receiving love on the feeling level – we love, because we “feel” like it, and indulge in its emotion and act/react according to it. I feel the passion and energy between you and me in kisses, and so I want more in the relationship. I am motivated to work harder as gaining satisfaction from work.
In reality, our actions/reactions to love often go sideways from the genuineness of love. If we love based on the “feeling basis”, even we want to we can never give or receive 100% of love, as no one can act in accordance to it. Let us face it – the most loving parent with the undeniable long-lasting love can still get irritated, at times, by the child’s endless curious questions; the most ambitious worker has the life goals planned, yet must not be able to 24/7 feel devoted.
Accept that True Love is not Imperfect
This is our real, true love. It is not perfect, and can never be perfect. We can smile under the happy exchanges, or the fun and exciting time spent together. Yet also there are also the bad habits/attitude, unreasonable mood swings, wrongdoings which trigger the conflicts and grudges. People distance themselves from each other, some fall out in a more dramatically way.
For me, “True” love only persists under the deeper sense of hard work, often on the spiritual level. It involves the deep emotional connection which is maintained and prolonged by the consistent commitment and practice of wisdom. We ought to attend to the flaws and problems of the relationships. Be cool to accept the difficulties, and open ourselves to working together to solution. Be together, so that we do not just love, but love to grow and change. It is ok to be not ok about the continuous imperfectness of love, as we believe in the power of humanity under imperfectness, on the meaningful pursuit of bonding, and changing the situation. “Only as there is an inevitable hole in heart, then we keep the endless chances on healing, empowering, moving on…”
When love is flawed, it gives room for improvement and growth.
When love is uncertain, it gives times for exploration and understanding.
When love is insecure, it gives power on comfort and healing.
This is the real, True Love.
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